Mid Month Update

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

Only 3 more days until my 26th birthday! It's so weird to me to be turning 26. Last year, when I turned 25, I was living in the Los Angeles area, but it didn't feel as weird to me then as this birthday does. Maybe it's because I am officially on the downswing toward my 30th birthday, and have been really thinking about the future the last few weeks, but I think it's also because I am so hopeful and excited about the fact that my 6 months Pre-Op dietary requirements are up in September, which means that I can schedule my surgery soon!

I don't know if I had mentioned this before, but I have been through this process before. About 2 years ago, I went through the dietary requirements and was planning on having the Lap Band surgery. Circumstances then prevented me from having it. It was a combination of my family not being supportive and actually talking me out of the surgery, as well as having to relocate to Anchorage, Alaska for work that made me decide against the surgery then. I had thought that it was one of the worst mistakes I had ever made, but looking back at it now, it was really a blessing in disguise.

This time feels different. Moving to another state and being away from home for 2 years forced me to live outside of my comfort zone. I have severe social anxiety and always have, and I know that my weight is a contributing factor to that. Living in a different state, somehow, made it easier for me to make friends and to go out of my comfort zone. I think I needed that mentally to be able to get past the fact that this time around, my family isn't supportive of me having this surgery. Last time I wanted and needed their approval and support. This time, I know that I have friends that support me and I know that I've done the research and am okay with the fact that my family may not be supportive of this surgery, because I'm doing this for me and no one else.

I find myself making plans for the future, and getting rid of old clothes that don't fit anymore because they're too big. I didn't do that the first time around. One of the best examples that I can think of is the fact that I won't buy a swim suit. I had a swim suit in California, but when I had to leave the place that I was living quickly, I literally packed what I could fit in my car and drove back to Seattle in 2 days. I ended up leaving my swim suit behind. It's been a really hot summer here, the hottest on record ever in fact, but I can't bring myself to pay money for a swim suit that I will maybe use once or twice, because I know that I will be too small to fit in to it next summer.

I find myself thinking about relationships as well. I've never really dated, because I've never really felt pretty or sexy enough to attract men, but I find myself thinking about the future of relationships that I may have put on hold because of my lack of self confidence, or because my weight was a factor keeping us apart. Don't misunderstand that I am not having this surgery for other people, or to make myself skinny so that other people in my life will like me. It's not a contributing factor at all. I know that the people in my life like me, but for one of the very first times in my life, I look forward to being comfortable as myself.

So here's to the future!
Jenelle