I hope you all had a better weekend than I did. I did one of the hardest things I have ever had to do this weekend. I gave my fur baby of 7 years, Emma, to a Barn Cat program in Spokane. I got Emma for free off of Craigslist when she was 6 months old, and she had been all over the West Coast with me. I have seriously been considering giving her up for a little over a year, right after I had my emergency back surgery in California. I felt so bad that she was now confined to living in a room in someone's house, but felt even worse when we moved back home and she was now forced to live in a dark basement bedroom alone all day. Emma has always been a vicious cat when it came to anyone else but me (and even sometimes me). She would growl and hiss and bite and scratch. I knew that if I gave her up to just any shelter that they would put her down and if I gave her to a no-kill shelter she would live the rest of her life in a cage. That's why the Spokanimals Barn Cat program was such a great find. They take in cats that are otherwise unadoptable and give them to farms in Eastern Washington. Their job at these farms is to serve as pest control. They are given food and love (if they want love) in exchange for catching mice.
It was an emotionally draining weekend. I had my Dad drive us, because I knew that if I drove I would end up turning back to get her. I am still very conflicted about the decision. It kills me that Emma might be out in a barn somewhere wondering where I am and why I abandoned her. But at the same time I know that she is getting fresh air and exercise and is being taken care of. It is also a little bit nice to be able to put something in my room without worrying if Emma will ruin it, or put clothing on the floor without worrying if she will pee on it. I am no longer tethered to having to find a place of my own because she wouldn't have tolerated room mates. I can now put flowers in my room if I want without worrying about Emma eating them. I can get nice furniture without worrying about Emma scratching it to death.
All of the emotions that I experienced this weekend really brought back the reminder that I can no longer eat my feelings. Before the surgery, I would have binged all weekend just to numb the pain. I am no longer physically capable of doing that. So the question is, how do I deal with those raw emotions now? I am still learning the answer to that. I have found that being able to work out my frustrations and emotions in a work out really does help, but for the time being I am not medically cleared to work out.
I have never really had to deal with emotions before. I always had a tool (granted a very destructive tool) to deal with them. This is why one of the pre-op requirements for this surgery is a psychological screening. Doctors want to make sure that you can deal with the emotions in a healthy way. I have learned that holding in the emotions only makes them worse. Sometimes it really does help to just cry your eyes out. It is also very important to have a support system around you. Just like with any addiction, I have experienced withdrawals and cravings. It is important to have someone or a group of people that you can turn to to be your "sponsors" and help push you through the hardest of times.
For now I am working through things very slowly. I have good days and I have bad days. Getting rid of Emma was just one of the many things that I have been dealing with lately. Taking things one day at a time and realizing that the good days outweigh the bad is my strategy for right now. One good thing that I can focus on is the fact that I got the results from my 6 month post-op blood draws and have no deficiencies! Nutritional deficiency is one of the biggest concerns with this surgery, but I have taken a lot of care to make sure that I am doing everything I was taught to do and it paid off.
Have a great day!
Jenelle
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